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I had this brief dream about a year ago~
I saw a large, muscular man, squatting down on the ground, giving his full attention to a small child. The big strong man was listening intently to this seemingly insignificant child's voice.
When I woke up, I understood the meaning almost instantly:
That we are entering into a strange time, where the wise and strong in the eyes of the world will turn to the small and weak in the eyes of the world. That God will now use the wisdom that He's hidden away in the seemingly useless and weak. That the wisdom of the world will no longer be of any use, and only His wisdom will see us through.
vision about Israel~
I saw it in '06. Ok here goes.
First I saw a beautiful woman, a Jewess, she was radiant and perfect, but she was dressed in a bright red low-cut evening gown, it was pretty but it was revealing way too much, she was pretty much exposed up top. (The Jewess was represented by the actress who played The Nanny.)
Then I saw a row of people, they were dressed really fancy, it looked like they were sitting in the front row at the Academy Awards or some other fancy production. There were 3 people: An American actress, all cute and pretty and blonde, (appeared to be Meg Ryan or Melanie Griffith?) then a man who looked like William Baldwin, then a European actress who looked like Nicole Kidman. (I wasn't going to say who these people looked like but for some reason I'm supposed to. I don't know what they represent.) The man who sat between them was "with" them both, sort of in-between...a "diplomat?" I don't know. But I did notice the expressions on the faces of these people as they viewed the Jewess~ envy. At her stunning, unique beauty. I should also mention that she stood apart from the row of people, she was standing alone. However the spotlight was on her.
I watched this scene and felt compassion for the Jewess (Israel!) (I at least know that much.) because she was exposed, and I prayed for her to be covered, and there appeared on her neck a beautiful simple necklace, it had one large pearl on it, and although it was just a necklace it seemed to do the job, it made all the difference, she was no longer exposed.
And I heard the Lord Jesus say, I am the Pearl of Great Price. And I knew that that was His desire for Israel, to cover her.
Well, here I am with another piece of rum cake, with obelisks on my mind. A typical night. The reason I've had so much rum cake lately (a steady supply since Christmas) is because my grandmother is hooked on Neiman Marcus, she makes her regular trek downtown and purchases meaningless things and gives them to the family to justify her shopping addiction, rum cake being the staple item. Anyway, I'm on the third one. They last a long time. She hasn't given me three of them, she gave everyone in the family one. But nobody likes them but me, so I end up with them all.
And the reason I have another obelisk on my mind is that I'm recalling a vision I had in '06, it was regarding a woman that I was dealing with, she was a Christian but getting sucked into the Unity Movement. She was passing out these books on it & so I sort of had to set her straight and bring her back to her senses, which didn't go over so well. I ended up tossing the copy she gave me into the fireplace.
As it turns out, her father had been a pastor, and also a mason. Well in the midst of my dealings with her, I saw this in a vision~ an obelisk, it was upright, then it turned on it's side and rotated and pierced her head, went right through it, penetrated her mind.
I understood the meaning and it helped me to pray for her. She's been hornswaggled. Deceived. Generational curses have polluted the mind.
She's not the first one I've encountered with spiritual roots in Freemasonry. They seem to find me, or I them. And there's always a confrontation of some kind. But truth prevails. It's a sore subject with me, close to my heart, and I have a real burden for people who are tangled up in it. That's all I wanted to say about that. A mind was pierced, compromised. If that was the case with her, that could be the case with anyone who's got anything to do with it. Just a friendly reminder. Just one more li'l voice.
Oh and I guess I should also add that the Blood of Jesus Christ is the only thing that brings freedom, deliverance, and healing.
Those pesky obelisks just keep showing up. What next? Will my next rum cake be shaped like one? You know, about occult symbols~ I laugh at all the superstition about most of them, especially the animal ones. They were God's frogs before they represented demons, they were God's beautiful owls before they meant harm, etc etc...
But it's the shady ones I don't like, such as......OBELISKS. If you start looking around you'll see them everywhere, especially around public buildings, schools, libraries.
some visions from '05 & '06
Saw business men being devoured in water by crocodiles, saw their arms being eaten, saw crisp clean white shirts. Understood that this represents attack(s) on American economy.
Saw teenagers walking together, in unison, through the streets, during what should have been school hours, singing and praising God, on a mission. Understood that God is raising up a mighty generation in the youth; do not underestimate. They were going places and witnessing and ministering, all on their own.
Saw a dog, as in, somebody's pet, being cooked outdoors, to be eaten. Famine.
Saw three Sanhedrin, Pharisees? Leaving the temple, leaving the city, approaching. Look of frustration upon their faces, disgruntled, not going to "put up" with all this Spirit nonsense. Understood that an increase in legalism comes against the church.
Saw group of people on a boat, a fishing boat, going to a new land, fleeing destruction. They were on a fishing boat, they had to use whatever form of transportation was available. These were Christians, I understood that they were not afraid, they accepted loss and they looked with anticipation at what was to come, totally trusting in God. "Zoomed in" on a woman's face, she stood at the front of the boat, there was a look of sheer wonder on her face. They were leaving America, and they were in icy cold waters.
Saw rows and rows of people behind bars, as if imprisoned, their arms reaching out from behind the bars, begging for release, desperate, crying out for deliverance. Heard the Lord say, "There are SO MANY to be set free."
Vision shown to me in '05:
A terrified woman, standing inside her home, facing the front door, which was closed. On her face was sheer terror, as if sudden destruction was coming, and she was panicking. She held a can of black paint in one hand, and a brush in the other. She began to frantically apply huge strokes of black paint on either side and above the door, in an effort to gain some protection from the Lord. The vision "zoomed in" on her face, I felt her fear. She was desperate.
After praying about it, I understood that in the coming times, and even now, there will be many who scramble at the last minute to find favor and protection in the Lord, but their ignorance regarding His Word will be a disservice to them. The woman was attempting some form of Passover ritual, as if it were something that she had once heard about, but really didn't understand. As I watched her paint around the door, I thought to myself, where to begin? Passover was a one-time event, to begin with. Secondly, she was using paint instead of blood. Add to that the fact that she was painting the inside instead of the outside. I thought, she's got it wrong, all-around. Protection cannot be obtained through any ritual, it's by putting one's faith and trust in the Living God, and through the Blood of the Lamb, Jesus Christ. I heard the Lord say, "Know My Word."
I felt deep compassion for the woman and I wanted to reach out to her and tell her this, but it was too late. She had no knowledge of His Word. Destruction was on it's way. I should also add this detail, that she appeared to be involved in voodoo, or just a combination of beliefs, a hodgepodge mixture. I learned about a year later that in some rituals, black paint is actually used, sometimes even on doorposts! Freaked me out, I had no idea.
I posted this dream on another blog a few weeks ago, but here it is again (I'm compulsive like that)
About 6 weeks ago I had a very short but disturbing dream~ I was walking slowly among rubble and remains of a great city, something had happened, some type of destruction. It was quiet, there was nothing happening at all, just me, looking at all this stuff on the ground all around me, and as I walked I came upon a huge white stone object, lying on the ground. As I walked on and saw all of it, I realized that it was an obelisk, not quite as large as the Washington monument but it was still pretty big.
American finances.... the economy....
(and this just came to me, tonight~ "Nation's Capitol"-----"nation's capital".... ah, nevermind)
Well, now I should tell you about the hospital-within-a-library dream, seeing as how I'm on the subject.
I had this one about 6 months or so ago. I was in a large public library, it was really official looking, almost as if it were inside a capitol building or something. But I wasn't there to check out books. I was there for a doctor's appointment.
Not only that, but I was made to go. As I approached the desk, I noticed a cop on either side of it, watching everything. I had a feeling of dread, and of being controlled. I noticed that the side rooms were being used as examination rooms. It was also a hospital. It was like "The" medical place for everything. I sensed that we were all being regulated and it was required that we all go there.
As I stood at the desk to sign in, I looked up, and saw that the ceiling directly above the desk was a dome, a skylight, and there were decorations going around the inside of it, such as eagles, and ivy, and American flags. It was pretty, but I remember thinking, am I inside a domed government building?? But it was a library, or, had been. Now it was a medical establishment.
I gotta say, it was run by the same darn folks as the ones in the other dreams.
"Newel post"- "new post"...
new direction, or same direction, same path, new scenery, new steps to take. Ah nevermind.
Tonight I've been drinking tea and eating crackers, thinking of some dreams I've had about our country. I've written about this particular one before, but I think now's a good time to do it again.
It was back in 2004 I believe when I had this one. I saw a shopping center that had been taken over, there were armed soliders positioned upon the roof, aimed at the citizens, and there were shortages of everyday items, and things were being rationed, and I think the soldiers were guarding against looting?
Then, I saw more buildings, such as libraries and schools and such, and they all had been taken over and were all the "same place", run by the same folks...
Next, I was in a place where people were being held against their will. I was on a school campus I think, but we were fenced in and there were more soldiers... People were miserable and frightened and being made to work. I approached a person who was doing something at a table, I watched as he ground something into a fine powder, and as he worked I sensed that he was grinding down human bones. As soon as I thought this, he looked up and looked directly into my eyes and said, "It is what you think it to be."
Next I was inside this place, this school that had been taken over, and it was somewhat of a prison, the classrooms used as cells and interrogating rooms. A frightened little girl came up to me, and I knew she was there alone. I held her hand and took care of her. As we walked hand in hand down a hallway, we happened to pass by an open classroom, and the door was partially open, just enough to where I could see that there was a man being tortured inside. He was on the wall. It was very disturbing to say the least, even though it was a dream. I was worried that the little girl saw it too, and so I knelt down and put my hand on her little head and said, "Heavenly Father, may Your Holy Spirit protect this little child and may she not see these things here..." And then the little girl looked up at me and said, "I saw everything."
I was taken on some kind of a tour, saw more things, until the very end, when I was told to lie down in a bathtub, naked, it was my turn to die, and they placed a gas mask over my face. The gas stank and I began to choke, then I woke up.
I almost forgot! One of the details of this dream was a woman, she was being held against her will just like everyone else, but she sat and joked and laughed with one of "them", and I knew that she had made connections ahead of time, and now it was serving her well, she was using her influence for the betterment of the captives, but in an underhanded way, by infiltration. She was a rare exception and I knew that she was taking great risks.
I'm just going to leave it at that. Usually I like to sum up my dreams and visions, but this one needs little explanation, besides, I'm just a dreamer, and all I need to do is share what I've been shown.
I'm sharing this one tonight because of what I saw earlier. I got my country on my mind.
tonight I saw this in a vision~ a fancy stairway,
...and it zoomed-in on the big wooden ball thing on the end post.
Then I approached the stairs, and started to climb them, and reached out and placed my left hand on the wooden ball (I found out it's called a newel post, what the ball is on) ..and as I did, there appeared the outline of the United States on the ball, just the shape of it, simple and black.
And it made me think of two dreams I've had that involve staircases. I prayed about this one and I heard in my spirit "you know". As in, I already know the meaning. I do. And I am on the verge of tears right now as I type.
I'll write more about this one later!
Back in '05 when I lived in the Little White House where I got west nile that resulted in my mental blowout that tossed me to the curb, right out of my own life, resulting in my current state of unemployment and general cluelessness but only in the physical realm,
I had all of my old journals safely hidden away in a fireproof document box that I had stolen from my dad a long time ago, all my notes and ramblings and ripped up journals were inside, and I planned on never opening the box ever again, in fact when I moved to the Little White House Where Infected Mosquitoes Dwelt, I locked said box and threw away the key,
...and buried it, in my back yard, among the row of Junipers that I planted, pretty li'l bushy evergreens that I hoped would grow fast, to hide my yard and cover up the hideous view that tormented me: a tractor, some logs, and a spiral staircase, laying flat on it's side. I was going to leave the box buried there in an effort to leave it all behind, that is until one night when my daughter's boyfriend came over and he had had a dream about Jesus, and he was sort of upset about some things and had some questions, so I asked him to help me dig up my box so I could read him my story, it took a while to dig it up, I held the flashlight and he dug, he was laughing and wondering what on earth does this have to do with anything, and I was like, just keep digging. Then he finally got to it and we got it up and I unwrapped it, it stank, even though I had it all wrapped in trash bags,
...and I read him my story that night, and he accepted Christ. It was a really cool evening. And so, this got me to thinking, maybe I shouldn't have it buried? So I re-wrote it and condensed it and tweaked it and expanded it and made it just right (when I say tweaked I don't mean I lied about anything, I just made it flow better.) And that got the ball rolling in a wild and wooly direction, I started sharing it, and then all these things started happening, it was amazing, and long story short it all snowballed out of control until I landed here, in this very spot, with a laptop and no job, typing, telling you, whoever takes the time to read, what happened to me.
I sort of had to lean on a lot of people during the past year, but mainly God. When I was still on the seizure meds, about a month after it all happened (mental blowout), I had a brief vision of being held up by an angel, I was completely limp, and the angel stood right behind me with his/her arms wrapped around me, holding me in an upright position, and I was reminded of God's promise to me: "I will lift you up, I will lift you up.." Which turned out to be something completely different than what I thought He meant by that. As it turns out, all this time I've been writing, this past year, and I thought I was just getting it all out, not realizing what I was doing... but it's all come together, and it looks like I've accidentally started something. SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DIG UP THINGS THAT WERE BURIED????? Oh and I forgot to say, it was funny how I got the box open, I used a screwdriver and a rock. I'm sort of butch like that.
Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on...
Just to come clean on my ultimate mission, so I don't feel so shady, I do aim to win souls for His Kingdom, and I'll never stop. I was shown in a vision in '05 a glass container, and beautiful gold round things were dropping in, one by one, and God said that they were markers for the souls that are being won ... yeah people, He's keeping track! Everything we do for him! So keep going already! EVERYTHING MATTERS!!!!!!!!!!!
But then again there's days when I wish something would just come along and wipe me out and take me on home. And that's all I know for now.
...don't put me back under the Law.
Back in the mid-90's, a friend of mine had a mother in law who
was veering away from Christianity and getting all into Jewish
traditions, Hebrew studies & what-not.
Good stuff to learn about, for sure. Biblical history is fascinating.
But she was starting to go overboard. Having Sabbath dinners,
observing Jewish holidays, etc.
She's not Jewish.
I was invited to her home once for "Bible study". Turned out to
be more of a Torah study. I sat there and listened to her. She
said this was a "grass roots movement", that when Christ
returns, the temple procedures/animal sacrifices, etc will be re-
instated. I guess she wanted to get a head start or something.
Christians going back under the Law.
Does it make them feel holy and righteous? Her son, who was a
friend, was also starting to get into it. He said to me one time
when I asked him about it, "Look at it this way, are you going to
worship the Father, or the sacrifice? Jesus was the sacrifice."
I stared at him in disbelief. And these were people that we had
met at church. A small, Bible-believing, Jesus-loving, pure and
simple congregation. And now he was standing there, insulting
Christ.
He also quoted the passage where Jesus says, "Do not think
that I came to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I did not come
to abolish, but to fulfill." The friend then said that this meant,
Jesus came to live out the Law and promote it and that we
should too.
Not so! I shot back at him and said that he was twisting
Scripture. The first part is true, because the Law was still in
effect while Jesus lived, because He had not yet been sacrificed!
Then I said to him, "Fulfill means to complete. Jesus Christ
COMPLETED the Law."
And then I said, if God were to speak to you right now on this
topic, He might say something like this:
"Look at this BEAUTIFUL thing I have done. Look at what I have
COMPLETED. From start to finish."
It's true. The Law is still God's Law. It is just as true
today as it was then. BUT~ Jesus has taken the place for us. His
death cancels our sin and what we owe. God knew from the very
beginning that it was impossible for a human being to follow it
perfectly.
Jesus came to LIVE OUT and COMPLETE the Law. It is finished.
The rules have not changed. Our punishment has. We are
absolved through the shedding of His blood. He is the Lamb
without spot or blemish.
...don't denomination me.
Recently a friend & I went to this church to see a speaker. We both
wondered aloud what kind of church it was. I grabbed a bulletin,
and saw what kind of church we were in. My friend asked if that was
bad, I said, no, they're just off.
I got into it, explaining the
whole thing, and she kept going "sshhhh!"
I have a tendency to get a little bit worked up sometimes.
We ended up getting up & leaving, before the thing even began.
And we laughed the whole way back. It spawned the best
conversation ever, we talked about all things false and untrue
(my fave topic) and she had some really good points. We were
talking about salvation, how you can really tell what a church is
made of by finding out what they believe about it. Is it faith, or
works? She said, how greedy is it when people strive to earn
their salvation. I didn't get what she meant. She said, if it were
based on works, then people would have their own selves in
mind when they serve God, their own salvation, and their eye
would be on the reward in heaven. I never looked at it like that
before. She's right.
We were both brought up Catholic. Need I say more?
This is
what I was reading today:
Matthew 23:4~12
And they tie up heavy loads, and lay them on men's shoulders;
but they themselves are unwilling to move them with so much
as a finger. But they do all their deeds to be noticed by men; for
they broaden their phylacteries, and lengthen the tassels of their
garments. And they love the place of honor at banquets, and the
chief seats in the synagogues, and respectful greetings in the
market places, and being called by men Rabbi. But do not be
called Rabbi; for One is your Teacher, and you are all brothers.
And do not call anyone on earth your father; for One is your
Father, He who is in heaven. And do not be called leaders; for
One is your Leader, that is, Christ. But the greatest among you
shall be your servant. And whoever exalts himself shall be
humbled; and whoever humbles himself shall be exalted.
And this is Jesus Himself talking! How cool is that! He's all, get
off your high horse. Those called to leadership positions need to
do so in humility and reverence to God, and with no shady
motives.
I will not go to a church where the leaders exalt themselves as
kings. I will not go to a church where I am told to confess my sin
to another human being. I will not honor or pray to the mother
of our Lord. It appears that Mary was very humble. Very
little is mentioned about her. Even the angels in heaven refuse
to be honored, why then do we attempt to pray to or give honor
to a human?
So many denominations. Clubs for Christians, that's what they
are.
Give me His Word, and His Word alone. Give me a church that
says, ok, this is who we are. We love God, we believe and read
His Word. Come on in, let's worship Him together. Brother Zeke
will be doing the reading today, and Sister Eunice has a story to
tell. Claude! Get up here with your banjo, let's jam!
...or something like that.
Ephesians 2:8~9
For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of
yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, that no
one should boast.
We serve Him because we love Him, and it's the right thing to
do. But salvation is an entire different thing. Thank God! This is
why ANYONE can come to Him, no matter where you're at in life.
He loves us all SO MUCH! In this cold dark messed up world, how
can you not want to receive His love? It's the only thing that will
never let you down, and it's big, and it's warm, and comforting,
and it's REAL. Don't tell me His grace isn't sufficient. I lived it.
I owe Him my life.
Today I’m not in the mood to make light of the fact that my entire life is nothing but a series of events that rival being hit by a wayward motorboat driven by a flaming drunk lunatic each time I attempt to tread water in the ever-lovin’ Sea of Life.
Today I’m going to tell you what it’s like to exist on this planet as me.
Well, ok, just one aspect of being me. The thing. The thing God has given me. The thing that clues me in on certain things ahead of time. It’s a gift and I do see it as such and I do understand it. But when I mentally compare myself to other humans I get just a tad bit insecure, defensive, and shaky in the proverbial knees.
In order to successfully operate as me, you must be broken. I can only get by with a smile now, because I have been broken by life and by God and probably by you as well.
Before my mental blowout I was really suffering. The gift was intensifying but I had no place to put it in my head, I was stressed and burdened and trying to support my daughter and myself, alone, all the while being shown the depths of heaven and hell in my dreams and visions, some things pertaining to me, some things pertaining to others, some things pertaining to life as we know it and certain events that are looming, unseen events that is.
I don’t make predictions. No. What God shows me every now & then are glimpses into the spiritual state of things. Warnings. Teachings. And even things that comfort and uplift. I’m not one of those folks that goes around saying there will be an earthquake next month. In fact I could care less if there were.
But back to being broken. If people notice that I’m a little bit "off", or loopy, disjointed, kooky… it’s all part of my Sanity Insurance. God had to allow me to be broken in order to be able to handle what He’s doing with my life. After the brain infection and spending the last year unemployed, recovering, and writing, some major changes have taken place, not only in my body but mentally and emotionally as well.
How can I describe it to you? Basically I am UNABLE to mentally wrap my mind around certain big things He’s shown me. I can’t ponder them too much anymore, all I am able to do is understand and accept, share what I’m supposed to, keep to myself a few things, and keep going, down this odd but beautiful and amazing path, until the day I get to go home.
I guess today I have one thing in particular on my mind, and that’s something heavy He’s shown me, and it has to do with me personally. He was very nice to clue me in. If I told you what it was you would not believe me. Moreover, if you were shown this and it had to do with you, you might not still be sane and smiling. But He’s given me a peace, a deep, deep peace. In fact, come to think of it, back in the mid-90’s a minister said to me that "God will give me a supernatural peace that surpasses all understanding."
When I first heard that, I thought it was just referring to my ability to get by in life. But no. Now it’s dawning on me what that alluded to. I can’t even tell my family. I’ve only told one soul, and not even directly. I’m just hoping he gets it. I’m not even sure if I really want him to believe me or not. I think I’m secretly wishing he discredits me a little and thinks I’ve gone off the deep end with that one. Actually, if he ever brings it up, my response will be, "maybe it was just a bad dream."
That won’t be lying.
Love! Amy
Well of course I'd have a stomachache now. I saw it coming but I did it anyway. I didn't "fold box into platform" when I stuck my dinner in the microwave. The strangest thing ever. I had already ripped open the box and removed the contents, only to discover that you're not supposed to rip THAT box. No, this box is supposed to be folded into a "platform" upon which you place your thing (I still don't know what it was that I just ate) (I didn't buy it). You're supposed to follow this diagram and fold all the edges backwards and make a little table. But I had already torn the box, so I put the dinner back inside and stuck it in for the required 3 minutes. It was cold in some places but I ate it anyway. Now my stomach hurts. It was a WAIT I'll go read the box. Alright. It was a Flatbread Melts Chicken Ranch Club.
Nobody ever told me I'd have to know Oragami in order to eat. Same for those dinners that aim to control your thoughts by giving too many instructions, like the ones that say, "peel back plastic cover over beans, cut slit over entree, remove cover from apples,", but they don't stop there, it goes on to say, "after 2.5 minutes, stop, rotate, remove cover altogether, stir", then return to oven. I don't play that way. No matter what the directions say, like 3 minutes on medium and 4 minutes on high, it doesn't matter. I just look at whatever numbers are there, add them, and that's that. That's how long my dinner stays in, on whatever setting the oven is already on. I do not have an overflowing abundant supply of extra brain cells to dedicate to solving math problems in the kitchen. When I'm hungry, that's it, I need to eat, no time for dillydallying. I will not be ordered around by the Lean Cusine or Healthy Choice people.
What cracks me up is when I hear the phrase "your relationship with food." I didn't know it went that deep. What am I missing? All I know is, it's a burden. To feed something that's dying. Why do we spend so much time trying to keep our bodies going, when it's our souls that are eternal, but the food the soul needs is so elusive and hard to come by? And even when you find it, you still starve yourself? For example, I haven't prayed in about 48 hours. I'm already slipping. Getting hungry. And the Lean Cusine thing only tricks me into thinking I am fed for the day. SEE? Why don't you open your eyes and wake up for crying out loud. You're probably starving at this very minute. You think you want pizza, but what you really need is to pray. This is ridiculous.
I'm very average today. Actually I'm below average. I actually slipped and fell today, which hasn't happened since I was pregnant 17 years ago. It happened due to my slippery bathtub. I've been conditioning my hair alot lately with olive oil and coconut oil to compensate for it's length. I chopped it all off recently and it's ugly, so by making it smooth and supple I feel better.
So I fell into the bathtub when I was getting in, it was extra slippery today, and for a minute I was just stunned, it took me a second to realize what just happened. Then I started laughing. I wonder what the people below me think. They're a normal little family and both parents work, but sometimes one of them is home (cause I can hear them), and I wonder if they wonder why someone is always home up here. I bet they think there's something wrong with me.
About those people, I always know when they're coming home, cause I hear the kid screaming, and the mom has to shout, GET IN HERE!! ...as in, the kid doesn't want to come home? He's only 2 years old! How can a 2 year old not want to come home?
So about me falling today, I was thinking, IS THIS A SIGN????
So I started examining my life on many different layers and levels. I think I'm good for now. Oh! Wait! I just remembered. A tiny black spider was on the computer last night.
I have so much to say. Even though I'm done telling my experiences. See now I'm noticing new things about it all, and new twists and turns. My life is a puzzle, a matrix, a labrynth. I'm lost in a dream.
Speaking of being lost, I think that's why I love to blog so much. It gives me a connection, even if it's to strangers, folks I'll never meet (nor do I want to)... I think I'm much better at this than I am real-life connections. I don't know why. And I also have no idea why people read the stupid things I say more than the important things.
Suspicious.
That's how I've always been. Somewhere along the way, I stopped believing everything I was told. And then I got to where everything was untrue until proven true. Now I go out of my way to sniff out a lie. Looking back, I see a few instances where my trust was compromised, I think that's what got the ball rolling.
When I was little, my friend Michelle & I would have "dance contests" in my room. We'd put on a disco album and then proceed to break it down right there, on the golden shag carpet of my room, and we'd critique the other and offer appropriate praise and correction. It was fun, but a very serious thing. 1977 was the year of High Disco, and if one could not master the Hustle, one was a loser indeed. I was 8 years old but I already had the dancing skills of a pro.
My mom would practically BEG to sit in on one of our sessions, but she was not allowed into my room. I shut the door and taped a "do not enter" sign on it. I even went out of my way to inform her ahead of time, "Mommy, Michelle & I are going to have a dance contest, please do not come in." She politely nodded her head but I always knew she was dying to watch. I kept my eye on her.
Sure enough, my suspicions came true. One day, in the middle of a contest, I was tearing it up, when I saw it. I saw, from the corner of my eye, a HAND on my closet door. No body, just a HAND. I reached over and flung open my closet and THERE SHE WAS, my MOTHER. Watching! I was FURIOUS. She had betrayed me. She started apologizing profusely, saying it was the only way she could see one of our contests. I glanced over at Michelle, who was laughing. She had been in on it! The whole thing was pre-arranged! A set-up! A plot! I was framed. I was betrayed. I was humiliated.
During that same time, I was at Michelle's house, a house that had 4 really cute boys there. 4 brothers, that's what she had. All older than us, all with bell-bottom jeans and feathered long hair. It was all too much. Those boys were it, and it was a real treat to be in their presence. The youngest brother David was just a year older, and I had a terrible crush on him. One day, as I walked up on to the front porch to visit Michelle, David was sitting there with his friend and they were laughing. There was a small lamp beside them, and it was plugged in. I heard the friend whisper something, then David said to me, "Hey Amy, come here! Come touch this lamp, right here..." More laughing from them. I thought maybe it was warm? All I knew was, it was David talking. He could have asked me to jump into traffic and I might have. So I go over to the lamp and touch the spot that they pointed to, and then proceeded to receive the shock of my lifetime, it zapped my finger and my hand and ran up my arm. I jumped back and screamed. The boys laughed. I acted like it was nothing, but when I got home I cried. How could David have done that to me?
And then there was my other neighbor, Jonathan. They moved from Oak Cliff and had a home built in Red Oak, and we went over there to see how it was coming along. Jonathan grabbed a piece of pink fuzzy stuff and said, "Hey Amy, this is the softest stuff in the world, let me see your arm...." So I held out my arm, and he rubbed this pink fuzzy stuff into my arm. It was fiberglass. Yes, my trust for boys was seriously downgraded several points that day. I was starting to see a pattern.
By the time I was 11 years old, I had the whole world all figured out. By this time, I knew to be on the lookout for all things tricky and shady. I was still in Catholic school, and it was now time for Confirmation. That's when all the 5th graders basically sign their soul over. We had been preparing for it for months, learning all about the procedure. You picked a patron saint for the thing. This alone creeped me out. I was supposed to select a dead person to accompany me in a church ceremony, to float by my side as I promised the Catholic church that I would be a member forever and ever? Everyone in my family was confirmed, all my aunts and uncles and grandparents and my big sister. This church and school was like a family thing, it was St. Elizabeth's in Oak Cliff. All my dad's family had gone there too, back in the day, in fact my grandfather was one of the main engineers in designing the school. It was a big deal. Yay Catholic! So anyway, the time had come to get confirmed. But I had questions and nobody seemed to be able to give me a straight answer: Why is this necessary? What exactly am I promising? What does this mean?
Come to find out, when you are confirmed, you are saying, "I am committing myself to the Catholic church, for life."
So one day, just weeks before the ceremony, I decided that I would NOT in fact promise ANYBODY my perpetual attendance, ANYWHERE. I saw right through it. This was a building, a man-made institution. This was not a pure representation of MY God. This I knew. I still didn't know God at all, but I knew He was not what these folks portrayed Him to be. And to think I'd been there all my life, AND attended the school there, going to Mass every Friday AND Sunday. And they still were not able to lure me into the machine. Ha!
So I announced to my teacher that I was not going to get confirmed. She advised that I go home and tell my parents. So I go home and announce to my parents that I have decided not to get confirmed. My parents looked at each other. I think they didn't care so much, it was more like, what will the grandparents think? Or say?
I don't know how it was all worked out, nor do I care. All I know is, I didn't do it. I was the only 5th grader that year not to be confirmed. It was a non-issue to me. I just made up my mind, and that was that.
You just have to be on the lookout for tricks and schemes in this world. Don't dance without first checking the closet, don't touch a lamp that's situated between two laughing boys, not everything that looks soft IS soft and by all means don't find out whether or not it's really soft by rubbing it into your skin, and last but not least ALWAYS keep an eye out for false doctrine and make no promises to anyone.
I am against the world with all my heart and that will never change.
love, A.
Well it looks like I'll be getting back into the health food stores. Work, I mean. Selling herbs. The very thing I decided not to do anymore, after what happened to my head. After all that I've adopted a new attitude: it's not my problem. Your health issues, that is. Because would it even be right to go back to selling supplements and telling folks what to put in their bodies when I was hit upside the hea WAIT!! I just realized! Not only is it right, but it adds to my whole selling charm! It doesn't compromise a thing! How come I never looked at it this way before? I recovered from encephalitis, the most nasty thing to happen to your head. Just the sound of it is nasty. I bounced back and the only thing different (like I said in previous blog) is my slightly spacey memory. I was thinking about it today and realized, all that means is that I just need to try a little harder. I just haven't been trying I think.
So I can be like, yes, see here Mr. Customer, take this herb and this one and that one too! Take them all! Listen to what I say because I am super-healthy as evidenced by my complete recovery from a bad brain infection.
Well now I'm back to the whole visitor map thing, which I get hooked on, like watching the aquarium at the State Fair that has the big turtle in it, the moss-covered one who has a tricky glowing tongue that lures in the little fish. But about the job thing. I'm dangerous. I'm doing it my way now. All this time I've been playing by these new rules, where you go in and ask for an application, only to be told to go home and apply online. I've been doing this for about 3 months now? 4? 5? I've lost track. I don't know if it's the schedule I'm applying for, or the fact that I haven't been employed in over a year that's holding me back. Who knows. Well I do know the schedule thing is a catch, the place I almost got hired at only needs daytime help, but I can only work in the evenings, because I'm sharing a car with my mom. If it weren't for that I would have been hired this week. But this virtual application deal doesn't work for me. I need human contact. And so that's what I'm going to do. This is how I always used to get jobs in the past. I don't know why I'm just now doing it. I typed up my own version of a resume. It's short, funny, and cute. And then, I take several copies and deposit them generously, like candied sprinkles on cupcakes, all over town, not calling first, not asking, "are you hiring?" and other trivial things. No. This is what works for me. Just walk on in & smile, shake whatever hand is around, put my li'l paper in hand, turn, and walk away. This is exactly how I got my last job and the one before, too. It just sort of goes with me. I'm tired of trying to get a job the real way.
So. I already have about 5 health food stores in mind. New ones that I didn't know existed. I got online & searched in some nearby cities, some smaller places. Yes. I got my eye on a few mom & pop stores. I'm going to do my thing tomorrow. And I'm going to be ballsy.
I guess since this is a new blog I should say, I lost everything when this happened to me. My apartment, job, daughter had to go live with her dad. My state of mind was just blank. Seizures, limping, slurred speech. Perfectly happy to stare at a blank wall all day. I've downplayed it all this time in blogs, mainly because it was too hard to face the reality of it all. In fact I've only recently been processing alot of it and just now grasping the fact that I really did lose everything. Oh and my car too! On top of everything else, I lost my car. I gave it to a relative when I couldn't afford the repairs, thinking a new one would magically appear in my life. It hasn't. I gave it to the relative for him to sell, because he's the one who got it for me to begin with, and I wanted to repay him. So it's not like I just lost my mind and gave away my car.
This has been painfully slow, getting back up and running. If you've never experienced a health crisis and had to drop everything there's no way you'd understand. In fact I never really had that much sympathy for unemployed or disabled folks until now. Now I see the hurdles they have to overcome to get back into the swing of things. And the funny thing is- most of the hurdles are mental! Like, psychological! It's the weirdest thing! Just keeping yourself motivated and keeping yourself afloat is hard. You get depressed. You feel worthless. I've pretty much felt as if I've slipped through the cracks of life.
*sigh*
...my grandmother.
If you knew her you would know what I mean by that sigh. That's the only way to describe her. One sigh says it all.
I'll try to be nice as I tell you what she did today.
Today in the paper there was an article on west nile. It talked about a woman who barely made it, she really had a hard time with it. It got her good. Well guess what my grandmother did today. Just guess.
SHE GOT THIS WOMAN'S NUMBER SOMEHOW and told her all about ME, and then the poor woman called my mother at work. Yes. I am not kidding. Seems my well-meaning grandmother blew my situation out of proportion, made it sound like I was still sick, and the woman called my mom and said to tell me, if I ever have any questions or want to talk about it, to call her.
MY GRANDMOTHER GAVE MY MOTHER'S WORK NUMBER TO a total stranger! My mom was like, ...uh, ok? Who are you again? She said the woman was very friendly and to tell you the truth I secretly do want to talk to her. But not cause I have questions. I think it would be good to know someone else who got it. But I would feel bad, because I'm all better and she's not.
The more I read these people's stories the more I realize how fortunate I am to have recovered so well. It did hit my brain pretty hard, I did have seizures and a mysterious limp in my right leg for a few weeks, memory problems and fatigue from hell. (the fatigue still comes and goes, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY, for no reason.) Also the memory thing can be a problem but not all the time and I am not disabled in any way. Just more spacey than I was before, which I think is an advantage, now I'm even more frustrating to those I know and love.
So I'm thinking, should I call this woman? What would I say? Or, do I call my grandmother and let her have it for totally overstepping her bounds and giving out phone numbers to strangers?
Wait! Scratch that. I promised myself I would stop asking questions out loud, in blogs. Just read what I say. I don't want your opinion.
What?
I wanted to tell you about a vision I had about a year ago, I was still pretty messed up from my brain blowout, I was laying on the couch one day praying, and I saw Jesus in a beautiful vision, He was laughing! With me! Not at me.
And it was so hillarious that I started laughing too. You could see the joy in His eyes, and He was laughing as in, trying to keep it all in, it wasn't some nerdy wholesome laugh, no, it was more like when you're laughing in school or church or even a funeral. The kind that you can't stop. And I felt His joy and peace, and He comforted me, and I heard in my spirit that it doesn't matter who we are, or what we've done...... as long as we love Him! And that's what was so funny I think! It was the lyrics to that Backstreet Boys song, and I think He knew I would think that was funny, which I did. But the refrain of that song is exactly what He said!
"I don't care who you are
Or where you're from
What you did
As long as you love Me"
So I was looking just now for that video, but found instead a bunch of funny spoofs on it, I've been sitting here with some tea cracking up at these guys imitating the poor Backstreet Boys, who I do like, and not only them but NSync. I can't help it. Even though it goes against everything I stand for. Which is basically liking anything popular. That's one reason why I avoid the radio, at least current stuff, and lay low and slink around the low channels such as 92.5 and also that newish one called The Range. Stuff like that. Then, about a decade later, the current stuff becomes classic rock, and that's when I'll get into it. Staying about a decade behind keeps me in check with my whole stance on being anti-everything.
